Mrs Jessica Black




Author: D@niel
Title: Early sunset and a pensieve

Hay Dan, I want you to know that I am delighted that you started writing. The fact you have the inspiration and patience for it shows you'll surely create more. Now, to the story.
I like it that you give your RPG role so much to think about. It deepens the character and really works on how to make someone IC. 
Your story and background really fit Greyback. He's a jerk and childhoods like that can really drive people to become the way they are.
But... I thinkyou tried to put too much in one story. The abuse can be made in a story itself, the biting of Remus is crucial and emotional and very interesting to lighten up from both persons. I think this 'one-shot' version does not give enough credit to your thoughts about it. I'm sure you can write seperate stories about each individual memory.
We also miss the total point of Greyback putting his memories in a Pensieve and then reliving them again. I really think you should have made it longer, with more details. But it's a good start as a writer and your English is good, though a BETA-read from someone wouldn't harm you.


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