Mrs Jessica Black




And here it is! It took a while but I finished it.

The biggest challenge in this was turning these quite serious (haha) evenent into something funny. Especially after my angsty story "A Marauder Story; My Real Family", but I'm glad I managed to do it.

Read and enjoy. Please leave a review in the review board.


There was a knock on the door. Then the door opened. It was his mother.
"Tea will be finished soon. Are you coming downstairs?"
Regulus turned from his desk.
"Oh, right. How long will it take, mother? I'm writing a letter."
"There is no hurry. Take your time."
She smiled and left. She walked over to the other door.
There was a hammer on the door. Then the door opened. It was his mother.
"We are having tea. I want you downstairs in one minute." His mother demanded and before Sirius could say anything at all, the door had been shut closed again.
Sirius sighed heavily, wishing he could skip tea. He lay down his book, jumped off his bed and left his room.
As usual when he entered the drawing room, there was a certain tension in the air that gave Sirius the feeling he was very unwanted. And as he did every Sunday evening, he wandered why they bothered to call him downstairs at all. He flopped down into the sofa on the other side of the room. 
Mrs Black poured the tea into the cups as Sirius was highly annoyed by the silence that you usually get when one person made a nasty, snide remark that had insulted the whole family. He was quite impressed that him entering a room could have such an effect.
"Where's the thing called Regulus?" Sirius asked to break the silence.
"Your brother," (his mother said this as though afraid he would forget) "is still upstairs."
"Oh, right," Sirius said, faking an appreciating tone. "The little brother gets special treatment."
"Stop it." Mr Black said warningly.
The urge to say 'What? Being treated like a house elf?!' was very strong, but Sirius knew better than to do that, so he just scowled. He was quite happy about the fact his father didn't notice this… it could have caused him to get the punishment of a house elf too.

Regulus lay down his quill after maybe five minutes and went downstairs. When he opened the door to the drawing room, he was greeted by an unpleasant smirk on his brother's face and the remark; "Make place for the special boy. The living proof people can live without brains!"
Regulus scowled nastily at Sirius but was pleased to see his mother give Sirius a painful slap on the hand. Unfortunately Regulus knew his place was on that very same sofa his rival was sitting on. He sat down, trying to ignore Sirius, but wishing he could send him towards the north pole, where he would freeze his butt off and have the right to think he was the prettiest human being in a radiation of a hundred kilometres… because he would be the only one.
As Regulus sat down (moving away from Sirius as far as he could), his mother placed the cups of tea in front of one another as though it was a very important ritual.
"Disgusting." Regulus muttered as he watched Sirius add four spoons of sugar to his tea.
Oh, how badly Sirius wanted to break the deadly annoying silence  by smashing his brother's head into the glass table in front of them…
Mrs Black now passed through a plate with cookies which, after taking one off, Sirius passed through to Regulus.
"Oh, my favourite." Regulus said to the cookies that were his favourite.
"Little suck-up." Sirius muttered.
"I'll get you some more." Mrs Black said as she stood up and walked out of the room.
"At least I'm getting more cookies." Regulus whispered out of the corner of his mouth.
"Yeah, and I'd love to shove them up your-"
"Sirius!" his father growled, sounding even more  warningly than before.
Through the years Sirius was getting more and more the impression his father only existed to tell him off. A weird hobby, but he seemed to be fit for the job.
"Excuse me." Their father said. He stood up and left the room too. Probably to the loo. Or toilet… restroom. Whatever.
It was impossible for someone like Sirius to not abuse the situation. (in his words; take advantage of the situation.) He broke a piece off if his cookie.
"You wanted more cookies?" he said. "Here, take mine." And he threw the piece of cookie into Regulus's hair. (Now you may think 'Geez, how childish', but please remember, our dear Sirius is only thirteen springs young here… And you can't deny you've once attacked someone with paper balls and found it highly amusing.)
Regulus tried to ignore it. Thinking of nice little unicorns and sparkly Mary-go-rounds. He also ignored the second bit of cookie. But no eleven year old would stand a third piece of cookie going down his collar. So he turned around, looking quite angry.
"Stop it!"
He aggressively pulled the cookie piece out of his hair and threw it back at Sirius. Sirius only ducked, avoided it and laughed teasingly.
The door opened again. There mother came back in.
"What's so funny?" she said in a way as though laughing was strictly forbidden in the house.
"Nothing." Sirius said.
"I did not hear that." She replied.
"Nothing, mother." Sirius said rolling his eyes.
"Good. Here are your cookies, Regulus." She said, as she placed the silver, overly-polished dish in front of the angry looking eleven year old. At that same moment Mr Black returned and sat back down in his thrown -I mean- chair.
Sirius took some bites off his cookie until there was only was piece of cookie left.
'It would be a waste to eat it.' Sirius thought. 'It's the last bit of ammo I have. If I don't do it, I'm safe. But then this day will be as boring as the rest has been. If I do it… well. Then I've done it. It's just too tempting… I'm going to do it anyway.'
So Sirius placed the bit of cookie between his thumb and index finger, aimed, shot and-
"Ouch!" right in Regulus's eye.
"Sirius, stop it!" Regulus, Mr and Mrs Black shouted together. Followed by Mrs Black ordering Regulus to go upstairs.
"But I didn't-" he protested.
"Just go upstairs. You can take your tea." His mother said more friendly, but keeping an eye on Sirius.
Regulus picked up his cup, still extremely offended by Sirius's cookie attacks. As he walked to the door, he saw Sirius made to stand up too.
"You are staying!" Mr Black bellowed. And Sirius sat back down on the sofa.
When Regulus had left the room, he hoped his parents were going to tie Sirius up in the fireplace and light a very hot fire, but when he got upstairs, he was quite satisfied to hear them shouting at him.
But he didn't get the chance to shout at him… Regulus would have loved to do it. To scream at Sirius as though his life depended on it, but he knew what would happen then. Last time he decided to stand up to his brother, he had learned he would never get away with it without revenge. Sirius had locked him up in the kitchen for one whole day and Regulus only had gotten out in the evening when their parents got back from a family visit.
He sat in his room, thinking it over. He had had enough. Revenge would be his this time. This time he would score… (that would make the score 364 - 001 for once) 
He had a plan.

Sirius left the drawing room. He wasn't allowed to leave the house for a whole week. He would anyway, but he wouldn't be able to leave while his parents were home. He walked upstairs and into his room, but didn't notice what Regulus had done… not yet.

*

"ARG! Sirius! Where are you?!"
It was the next morning and Sirius was in the bathroom. He accidentally dropped his comb in the sink. He walked to the bathroom door and opened it. His mother was standing on the other side of the landing, right in front of his door.
"I'm here. What did I do wrong this time?"
"Come here at once!" his mother looked livid.
Sirius sighed heavily and slouched towards her.
"What is-"
Then his eyes fell on the object his mother was looking at too.
Underneath the silver letters that spelled 'Sirius' was a sign engraved with 'Toujours Pur' on the door. Except that it didn't spell 'Toujours Pur' anymore. It now spelled 'Toujours gedoe'.
"That little-" Sirius started. "I swear I didn't do that!"
"You did not do this?!" his mother spat.
"No!"
"Speak with two words!"
'appeltaart. you!' was what he thought but decided not to say it. 
"No, mother!"
"Then who did it, hm? The boogieman?!"
"Who do you think?!" Sirius yelled, feeling the strong urge to shove the motto sign up his mother's mouth.
"Do not give me that tone! One more week grounding for your cheek! And another week for ruining your parents's properties!" Mrs Black bitched, starting towards the stairs.
"Not me, but that little slime did it!"
Mrs Black turned around and pointed a dangerous finger at her oldest son.
"Do you want me to grand you another week grounding?!"
"No."
"SPEAK WITH TWO WORDS!"
'Step. backwards!' he thought, seeing his mother standing on the edge of the staircase, apparently trying hard to keep her eyes inside their sockets, but said; "Revolting. sibling!" as he pointed at Regulus's bedroom door.
"Another two weeks for insulting your brother! And make sure that sign is back in its original state next time I cross it!"
Then she turned around and descended the stairs very loudly indeed.
There Sirius stood. Grounded till school would start again, feeling much for throwing his bedroom down the stairs after his mother.
In the room next door  an eleven year old seemed to be laughing his head off.
"1 - 0!"

*

"Mother!"
It was the next morning and Regulus had left his room for him morning shower. When he had returned though, he had discovered Sirius's revenge.
The library room door on the other side of the landing flew open and Mrs Bitc- Black came out.
"Why do you have to raise your voice to call me, Regulus."
"Look!" he said desperately, pointing at his own 'Toujours Pur' sign, now reading 'Toujours Baby'.
"Look what Sirius did!"
The teenager next door snorted. '1 - 1' he thought.
"Sirius Black, come here right now!"
Sirius slouched to his door, opened it and joined his brother and mother on the landing.
"Something wr-"
"I see you have not fixed your door yet! While you are at it, do your brother his door too!" his mother shrieked. "Insolent youth!"
Regulus smirked at Sirius behind his mother's back, mouthing '2 - 1'.
Sirius scowled at him.
"I can't clean it." Sirius said. "I'm not allowed to do magic yet."
His mother's eyes seemed to be shooting fire.
'Quite an achievement for a person so cold…' Sirius thought.
"You will have to do it with your hands!" she barked.
"Isn't that too Muggle-ish?" Sirius dared to reply… with the expected reaction of his mother following quickly.
He massaged his burning cheek a few seconds later. "Ouch…"
"The nerves!…" his mother muttered angrily, disappearing in the library room again.
"3 - 1" Regulus dared to say, still smirking.
Sirius made to punch him in the face, but Regulus let out an "Aaaah!" and fled into his bedroom, closing the door behind him.
"Get a backbone you little pansy!" Sirius said, at the same moment Regulus said "Get a brain you big ape!"
"Shut up!" they then snapped in unison.
Then it was quiet for a while. Sirius turned to the two doors, sighing quite exaggerated.
"What the heck- Kreacher!" he said after looking at the doors… (and sighing quite exaggerated)
The ugliness itself appeared at his feet a few seconds later.
"Yes, young master Black." Kreacher said, twitching as he did.
"Put this right." Sirius said curtly, pointing at the signs, a second later leaving Kreacher alone on the hallway as he went into his room.

"Young master Black?" Ugliness itself said softly, slowly opening the door, poking his ugly head through the gap.
"What?!" Sirius said, sighing tiresome.
"Kreacher can't get it off, sir."
"Arg! Go depilate yourself!" Sirius said.
Next door…
"4 - 1" Regulus said.
"Doesn't count!" Sirius's muffled voice came through the wall.
"Does!"
"Doesn't!"
"Does!"
"Doesn't!"
"Shut up!" they then snapped in unison.



"Don't think I want this!" Regulus said, having difficulties with keeping up with Sirius's fast pace. 
'I'd rather have a slumber party with a bunch of werewolves than walking with you.' he thought.
"Then why are you?!" Sirius replied, not bothering to look around.
"Mother said I had to come with you!" Regulus said stubbornly.
'Yeah. Mother also thinks bicycles give you cancer.' Sirius thought, ignoring his brother's whining.
He turned a corner, dragging his trunk behind him. Regulus angrily followed his brother… thinking quite unfriendly thoughts…
'Oh, how I would love to tackle you right now, seeing you break all your teeth out of your smug face on the edge of the pavement and then I would place my foot onto your stupid head and then I would-'
There  were some humorous noises behind him and Sirius looked around to find Regulus face down on the street… probably just tripped over the loose brick he hadn't bothered to warn him for…
"You're so stupid!" Sirius said, roaring with laughter.
Regulus got up, embarrassed and turning a little (cute shade of) pink in the face. He cursed Sirius into oblivion under his breath as he heaved up his trunk again.
"36 - 42" Sirius said laughing.

*
Regulus dropped his trunk at the foot of the stairs and walked over to the drawing room door, opening it.
"I am home, mother."
'Suck-up!' Sirius thought, closing the front door.
"Look mother! I managed to survive half a year without you!" he said quiet enough so only Regulus could hear it. "Look mother! I can walk from the station to the house without holding your hand! Look mother! I can wipe my own arse now! All by myself!"
Regulus shot a mean, ill meant scowl at Sirius. 'You just wait' he thought, turning back to his mother.
"Can I get a toad, mother?"
"A toad, Regulus?" Mrs Blitch asked flabbergasted.
"Yes, I need to replace Sirius. I would learn more from the toad then from him."
He heard the 'clunk' of a trunk being dropped to the floor and knew it was time to run. Regulus crossed the hallway in a fraction of a second, running up the stairs as fast as he could, his brother thundering behind him.
"Stand still you little- (not to be read by people under the age of 150)"
Regulus dived into his room, slammed the door shot, placing a chair in front of it. Just in time to prevent Sirius from storming in.
"You spoiled, little brat!" Sirius barked, trying the doorknob in vein.
"I wouldn't get away with it if I said such a thing about you!"
"That's the advantage of being a suck-up." Regulus said through the door, a smug tone dripping off it as sweet as honey.
"37 - 42, by the way."
"Oh, shut up!" Sirius snapped, kicking against the door as hard as he could… leaving a hole as big as his frustration to put his brother's head down the toilet. He looked at it for a while, admiring his own, unknown strength. A lopsided grin spread over his face.
"Make that 37 - 43." Sirius said, turning around, descending the stairs to get his trunk.

*

"Are you coming inside, Regulus? Or else you will get too dark. Too much sunlight is bad for your skin."
Regulus was in the pathetically - excuse me - particularly small garden behind the house, doing something I can't tell you, because that would spoil the surprise.
"Yes, mother. I just have to find a little more…" Regulus replied, his voice trailing off as he searched the overgrown lawn, holding a little bowl in his hand.
"Take a shower afterwards."
"Yes, mother."

*

Sirius had been outside all day, strolling around never boring London. Now he was walking back to Grimmauld Place for dinner. It was already a quarter to six so he quickened his pace (stepping over the loose brick), arriving at home right in time. (05:58:33,168 PM)
He crossed the hall running into Regulus while passing the staircase. Regulus backed off a little as Sirius made a defying gesture, still quite sure he would get that punch this summer.
They fought their way down the stone steps to the kitchen, Regulus giving Sirius a hard push in the back at the bottom, making Sirius enter the kitchen half tripping and stumbling.
"verappeltaarte-"
"Sirius!" his father growled dangerously.
Sirius gave Regulus a last push, pushing a bit too hard, making Regulus crash into the wall.
"Ouch!" Regulus cried out… obviously faking the pain.
"Keep your hands off of your brother, Sirius!" Mrs Blatch demanded.
As they both sat down, Regulus produced a cough, sounding more like '38 - 43' than an irritation in his throat.
As they weren't allowed to talk while having dinner, Sirius and Regulus continued their endless battle in silence. As Kreacher had safely placed Sirius's plate and was about to do the same to Regulus's, Sirius 'accidentally' tackled Kreacher, causing the ugliness to let out a yelp, sending the plate soaring through the air, the food following.
"Forgive me, young master Black!" Kreacher squeaked, as Regulus shot a nasty look at Sirius, shoving some potatoes off his lap.
'If you don't take that smirk off of your face, I'll stuff these hot potatoes in your sockets!' he thought as Kreacher gave him a new, loaded plate. Regulus gave his sweet brother a hard kick against the shin under the table. Sirius gasped, screwing up his face in agony.
"You little-" Sirius started, making a random grab for his brother's face. (Sirius really can't restrain himself…) Regulus gave a visible start, tried to avoid Sirius's hand, but by the stinging pain at his temple he could tell Sirius had taken a trophy in the form of a tuft of hair.
Their mother clattered her cutlery to her plate in disbelieve. The nerves to talk during dinner… let alone scalp your brother!… But to both brother's surprise, their father shushed his wife. He had never done that before…
Sirius turned back to his plate. After a while he shoves it towards Regulus. Regulus looked at it. There was something written with the sauce… '39 - 45'

*

"May I leave the table, mother?"
"Yes Regulus, you may."
Regulus stood up and left the kitchen. As soon as Regulus had closed the door, he heard his father starting to roar at Sirius.
'Oh,' Regulus thought, realising now why his father had just kept his mother quiet. 'He wanted to do it himself. Good. Gives me time to prepare Sirius's surprise.' he added amused to his thoughts.

*

Fifteen minutes later Sirius ascended the stairs, limping a bit, a dark cloud hanging over his head. (not a real one, silly) What he found upstairs didn't improve his mood.
Someone - he didn't doubt who - had stuck a whole bunch of dead insects to his door, spelling the sentence 'I love animals'.
Cursing loudly, Sirius burst into his room and walked over to the closet, taking out a box which contained not perishable, dead mice as winter food for his owl. He took one out and left his room again.

Regulus tried to fight Sirius off… It appeared he hadn't really appreciated the surprise and was now trying to force a dead mouse down his baby brother's throat.
"Eat it you pathetic, little- person that's cruel to animals!" (sorry, couldn't find a better translation)
Sirius was definitely stronger than Regulus and so, out of last defence, Regulus started to scream loudly. (read: skull-splitting racket)
It only took a few seconds for their father to come storming in, pulling Sirius off his brother and releasing Regulus from eating owl food.
His father pushed Sirius onto Regulus's bed barking; "That's enough!", took out his (wooden) wand and pointed it at Sirius. He barked a charm and ordered him to keep his *** hands off his brother.
Sirius hadn't noticed anything happening to him and didn't care either. All he wanted was that mouse down Regulus's throat. So as soon as Mr Black had left the room, Sirius dived on top of Regulus again, but as soon as he had barely touched him, a sensation of electrocution went through his body. He let Regulus go with a swift start.
As soon as Regulus had realised what his sweet father had done, he started to smirk again.
"You want a hug, dear brother?" he said, approaching Sirius with open arms.
"Get away from me!" Sirius snapped, leaving Regulus's room, going into his own and slamming the door shut.
"40 - 45!" Regulus yelled after him.
"Doesn't count!"
"Does!"
"Doesn’t!"
"DOES!"
"DOESN'T!"
"Shut up!" they then yelled in unison.



"I'm pwobabwy gwedding yow whoem."
"What?!" Sirius said impatiently.
Regulus spat out his toothpaste.
"I said, I'm probably getting your room."
"And why is that?" Sirius said, scowling indirectly at Regulus in the mirror.
Regulus only shrugged. 
"It's bigger."
Sirius didn't reply… which displeased Regulus.
"And it's got a window…"
"You wanna know how hard you'll fall if I throw you out of it?!" Sirius said threateningly. "If you want it, you first have to get me out."
Regulus scowled at Sirius's haughty, hair-combing reflection, hating every likeness they shared… which appeared to be as good as everything.
"I bet you fit through the window too." He said defensively.
Sirius let out a snort. 
"I'd love to see you try, little squirt."
"I don't think father would mind helping me!" Regulus replied a bit offended by the way Sirius addressed him.
"Ah, offended?" Sirius said teasingly, stepping towards Regulus, messing up his hair.
"Stop that!" Regulus said, stepping backwards, flattening his hair with his hand a swaying it back into model again.
"Doesn't matter what you do to it. You'll look ridiculous anyway." Sirius said snorting, turning to his own mirror again, admiring his own black locks. (I'm too sexy for my cat…)
"Well…" Regulus defended. "At least I don't look like a tramp!"
"No, you look like a medieval shield-bearer." Sirius said.
"And you look like a pregnant cow!"
"You look like a tapeworm with bad haemorrhoids!"
"You look like Jenny Greenteeth!"
'Come on, think of something he hates!' they both thought at the same time.
"You look like a Muggle!" Sirius yelled.
"You look like me!" Regulus yelled at the same time.
"Shut up!" they then screamed in unison.
They stared at each other, eyes shooting volcanoes of burning lava and flames. Praying for the other to explode into a million pieces, being blown by the wind and being eaten by a magpie because the little pieces got stuck to a fat earthworm.
Then Sirius thought for a while, smirk returning to his feature.
"I'm older. You look like me." He said smugly.
Regulus made to argue, but realised his brother had won.
"I hate you." He muttered, passing Sirius, leaving the bathroom.
"104 - 105, squirt." Sirius called after him, throwing a bar of soap at Regulus's head.
"OUCH!"

*

When Sirius left the bathroom himself, he noticed changes on the door again, only this time it was Regulus had used his own door to leave a message. Sirius read it and felt anger starting to boil again.

'The peasant next door thinks he is Don Juan and screws Muggles.'

A big, fat arrow was drawn underneath it, pointing towards Sirius's door.
Sirius went into his room to get a pot of ink. When he found it, he returned to the landing to leave his message. On his door.

*

Regulus returned from the toilet… seeing Sirius's revenge.

'If the infant next door would be an Animagus, 
he'd turn into a retarded monkey.'

The arrow pointed towards his door.
Regulus pulled open Sirius's door.
"At least mine is based on the truth! 105 - 105!" he yelled in.
Sirius got out of his desk chair, grabbed the pot of ink and started towards Regulus. Regulus decided it was time to leave again, but Sirius was too quick this time. His brother grabbed his arm and dragged him onto the landing. Regulus tried to struggle loose, but being the weakest of the two, it was as effective as teaching a fish to do the tango.
Sirius put Regulus's finger in the ink (blotching most of it on the expensive carpet), brought the struggling teenager towards his door and wrote the word 'Regulus' above his hanged, snake-head shaped doorknob with Regulus's finger.
"There!" he yelled in Regulus's ear. "That's what'll happen if you don't get out of my sight, right now!"
Regulus pulled himself loose, his arm feeling extremely bruised and violated indeed. He pulled open his own door, shaking with frustration. He entered his room, still holding the doorknob. So did Sirius.
"You're pathetic!!" Regulus screamed, as Sirius yelled at the top of his lungs; "You're the most stupid person ever existing!!"
"Shut- UP!!" they then screamed in unison.
They both grabbed their doorknob, shot each other murdering looks and slammed their bedroom doors shut with a bang that seemed to shudder whole Grimmauld Place.


A glooming peace this evening with it brings,
The sun, for sorrow, will not show his head,
Go hence, to have more talk of these childish things,
Some shall be pardon'd and some punished;
For never was a story of more fights on first floors,
Then this of these two brothers and their bedroom doors.



END.

(Thank you Shakespeare…)



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